Jimmy Carr–style take: “Greenland”

 

Jimmy Carr–style* take: “Greenland”

(* Disclaimer: I am informed by my lawyer that one cannot patent a “style”. So legally speaking, this is just an unfortunate coincidence.)

 

So apparently Trump wants Greenland.
Which sounds mad… until you remember the United States already bought half its land like it was shopping on Amazon at 3 a.m.

“People who bought this also bought… French Louisiana." 

Pause.

"And Alaska.”

Greenland says, “We’re not for sale.”
Which is adorable — like a car telling a scrapyard it has dreams.

Denmark says, “Greenland isn’t a commodity.”
Right. That’s why they’ve been renting it out to the U.S. military since the Cold War — very spiritual arrangement.

Trump says, “America First.”
Europe hears, “You’re on your own.”
Greenland hears, “Would you like roads, jobs, and a functioning airport?”

Everyone keeps saying, “What about international law?”
Yes — famously the thing that stops superpowers.
Right after thoughts and prayers.

People worry America will exploit Greenland’s resources.
As opposed to the current system — where nothing happens, nothing develops, and everyone feels morally superior.

Greenlanders are told, “Preservation is important.”
Which is a lovely way of saying, “Stay poor, it suits our conscience.”

If the U.S. takes Greenland, critics say it’s imperialism.
If China does it, they call it infrastructure investment.
If Denmark keeps it, they call it tradition.

Funny thing is, nobody’s actually asking Greenlanders what they want.
Which is exactly how you know it’s geopolitics.

Trump doesn’t want Greenland because it’s ice.
He wants it because it isn’t Russia or China.

And that’s the joke.
Because in global politics, you don’t own land to love it —
you own it so someone worse doesn’t.

Pause.

Of course, America says it would bring freedom.
Which historically means McDonald’s, a military base, and an argument about healthcare.

But hey — if you’re Greenland, you already have ice, silence, and Denmark.
At some point you have to ask yourself:

Do you want to be preserved…
or relevant?

Laughs.