Jimmy Carr (in the style of) standup gig on "gold diggers"

 Jimmy Carr-style standup gig on "gold diggers"

 

Good evening! Lovely to be here.
I want to talk about gold diggers.
Not miners—those people work hard and earn their money.
I mean the other kind…
The ones who don’t dig—
They pan.
They just swirl other people’s lives until something shiny floats up.

Gold diggers are fascinating.
They’re not attracted to you—
They’re attracted to your future obituary headline.

“Oh, I just love older men.”
No, you love compound interest.

It’s not romance.
It’s a hostile takeover with kissing.

And look—fair play.
If someone spends 20 years moisturising and emotionally dissociating just to secure a yacht—
That’s not manipulation.
That’s project management.

People say, “You should date for love.”
Gold diggers say, “I am.
I love stability.
And offshore accounts.”

You can spot them early.
They don’t ask, “What do you do?”
They ask, “What happens to you if you fall down the stairs?”

And they’re not shallow.
They’re selective.
Like:
“Oh, personality matters.”
Yes—but only after liquidity.

My favourite line:
“It’s not about money.”
Of course it is.
If it wasn’t about money, you’d be dating a poet.
And you’re not.
You’re dating a man shaped like a filing cabinet.

But here’s the thing—
Gold diggers provide a service.
They remind rich people that personality is optional,
but net worth is not.

It’s capitalism with better hair.

And honestly?
Everyone’s a gold digger.
Some people just dig for cash.
Others dig for validation, status, followers, meaning…

Gold diggers are just the honest ones.
They say, “I don’t want your heart.”
“I want your garage.”

Which is refreshing.
In a world full of emotional manipulation,
they’re like:
“No no no—this is purely financial.”

And that…
That’s love.
In this economy.

Thank you—goodnight!